The Bazaar of Four Winds and Cutthroat Politics meta-event content will be gone soon, which means something needs to replace it. Today ArenaNet announced that something. Surprising absolutely nobody, it is yet another festival, which means another round of booze for everyone. Light alcohol poisoning has become something of an epidemic in Tyria lately, with most content updates taking the form of booze-laden parties, the newest of which introduced a formal drinking game based on post-Zhaitan Orrian booze which is literally poisonous.

We caught up with a Norn Ranger lying half-conscious in the Labyrinthine Cliffs after reportedly beating a Hylek at the dangerous drinking new drinking game that has reportedly claimed the lives of several human and Asuran adolescents. When woken and told about the festival in Divinity’s Reach, he vomited a repugnant purple ooze and started to sob, “Not again.” After being calmed down, the Norn went on to claim that the last several months have been a “Constant stream of hang-overs” and that “Some dude got killed at Dragon Bash and nobody cared.” When informed that the Sky Pirates fiasco had not been a “party,” the Norn laughed and said, “Eh. Party kept going. Get drunk, kill some pirates, get drunk again. One of the main attractions!”

The already-drunk Norn claimed that the new wallet system to store coins, karma, dungeon tokens, and Wolrd vs World badges was “fucking awesome” and that he was excited to “stop losing my wallet at all these parties.” He also expressed excitement at the promise of new dungeon rewards and a dedicated solo tPVP ladder that would allow him to “stop tanking my team rating when I queue up drunk.” The light-sensitive Norn also let out a relieved sigh when informed that effect visibility would scale down in massive fights, adding that it will “cut my Tylenol budget in half.” We attempted to get more out of our source, but he was too busy mistaking the still-unconscious Poyaqui’s mouth for a toilet and the sounds of profuse vomiting made us seek higher ground, where we had an appointed interview with the council seat candidates.

Agallis Zinthros

I’m a third-generation bittervet, a proud Amarrian, a PVP junkie, and currently residing in Venal. I play Guild Wars 2 as Varamyr Langkron, and most other games as just Zinthros.